The minute we see that blue line or those words ‘Positive’, confirming that we are indeed pregnant, we allow ourselves to be immersed in a world that includes and wholeheartedly includes new life.
Within 30 minutes we have googled what their Estimated Due Date will be, approximately when they will be arriving into our lives. We allow ourselves to day dream about whether it will be a boy or girl, who will they look like, when shall we share our news with our family.
We desperately try to focus on all the positive that this new life will bring and certainly not allow those dark thoughts to creep in to our head! Thoughts that may have come from past sadness, the time it has taken to get this positive result, or even some assistance that may have been needed to get to this point. It could be that this is your first positive, but have supported friends and family members through a loss in the past, and you are thinking of them now.
“Nope I must stay positive, this is our time, this is what we have been waiting for, for so long”
This baby has entered your life, and whilst at this point int time, it may be the size of a sesame seed, the place it has filled in your heart and lives is already is the size of the universe. You love this little creation so much already and you can’t wait for that first scan where you can see him or her and their tiny heart beat pumping away whilst they wriggle and bounce around inside of you.
You fantasise about that moment when you can FINALLY share your scan picture on Facebook, like so many of your friends have done in the past alongside a joy full update
‘We are delighted to share our news with you all’
You both enjoy having conversations about how this tiny human is going to fit into your lives, planning for your new future
‘We will definitely need a new car’
‘We will have to clear out the stuff now from the spare room, as that will be the baby’s room’
‘Maybe we should get the kitchen refitted, as we won’t want to do that once we have a baby’
‘I wonder if they will look like you or me?’
‘I bet they will have your eyes’
‘I will be 8 months pregnant when we go to that wedding, how exciting’
This tiny creation that has been created by you both, has already become the number one priority in your life and you are both so excited for what the future brings, this is a done deal, this baby has stolen your hearts and your minds forever more.
And then the day where time stood still arrives…………the future that you had mapped out, that promise of new life………….the joy and happiness that you had already embraced has been cruelly taken away.
You feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest in the blink of any eye.
The scan you so eagerly anticipated is now confirming your worst fear. You hear the words, but can’t believe them……this can’t be true.
I had already named this new life, they were joining us in a few months.
Why is this happening to me, what did I ever do to deserve this?
We had plans….we had a future together……Why!? Why!? Why!?
THE MINUTE we see that positive result, we allow ourselves to see a new future together! We allow ourselves to dream about our lives, and how they are going to change for the better. How much love this new life is going to add to our lives.
WE CAN’T switch that off, it is not part of our make up! We may try, but it is impossible!
Others may say to us (unintentional) hurtful comments, because they feel they are making things better, but NOTHING can make you feel better.
You have lost your baby. The life that you created together, and you are grieving. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace
Whether we have life with us for 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years or years, we are mourning the loss of their presence, the loss of our future lives together…. all the hopes and dreams we had. Places we were going to go, things we were going to see. Times we were going to laugh and cry together.
Be kind to yourself, allow those days when you want to stay under the duvet. Cry the tears you want to cry, release them until the stop and release them some more when they come back again.
Honour your body and allow it to heal, nurture it and support it along with your mind. Ask for help and love when you need it, please know that you are not alone
Speak about your baby, in a familiar tone, this tiny piece of you that will never leave you. They will stay tightly locked in your heart forever more. This beautiful creation, this beautiful piece of you.
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson